Some days are just hard. Today is one of them. I find myself dragging and pushing myself mentally to put one foot in front of the other. When my alarm went off this morning, I didn’t want to get up. But I did. I put on my exercise clothes and sat on my exercise bike and half-halfheartedly pedaled for half an hour. All the while I kept telling myself to stop and go curl up on the sofa for a bit – and that it would feel good – yet I just kept going. After 30 minutes and 70 calories later (lol) – I lay on my yoga mat and did some crunches and leg curls (again with no passion/interest). I told myself this was good for me especially given my recent sugar binges.
Next I went to the kitchen to prepare my lunch and I couldn’t care less so I didn’t pack a lunch for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know better than to attend work without a packed lunch – it just leads to unhealthy binge eating – however, nothing looked good/interesting. I had my oatmeal, took my vitamin pills – then went to try and figure out what to wear for the work day.
That took almost 20 minutes because I was not motivated to leave the house. What I really truly wanted to do was crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and shut the world out. Instead, I finally picked an outfit – halfheartedly ironed it – took a shower – got dressed – brushed my teeth – considered putting on some makeup but thought (I couldn’t be bothered) – so I left for work.
Of course I left the house almost 15 minutes later than I should have and the traffic did not cooperate with me. The lovely thing about being in a blah state is that nothing else seems to faze me… so I didn’t yell at the school bus that stopped me for a couple of minutes; the traffic lights that seemed to wait until I was almost there to change to red- the driver that changed lanes and drove slower than the speed limit in front of me – etc. I am proud of myself because I didn’t feel rushed, I just continued with the blah feelings, not really caring about the consequences. (Deep down inside I know I do care!)
Now I have been at work for close to four hours – I still feel drugged/blah/unmotivated and just not interested. I just had a couple of brownies – and find that in addition to the blahness I am now feeling weepy. Maybe I am PM-sing… I love music and it usually soothes me, funny I just turned it off because it sounded like a lot of noise and could potentially lead to me hyperventilating.
(I have 7 more hours to go before I can reacquaint myself with my bed “sigh”.)
Yet despite all of the above; despite all the blahness; despite my determination to self-sabotage; despite my feeling crappy (for no reason whatsoever):-
- I am proud of myself for making it to work. Not only am I at work, but I also took some time to clean and tidy up my office.
- I am choosing not to ‘completely’ give in to my feelings.
- I am choosing to DO in the face of it all – even though I feel crappy and there is a very strong invitation to be sad, unhappy, snappy, rude, withdrawn, depressed, anxious, and make unhealthy/unwise choices for myself – I am proud to say that I have no intention of fully accepting it.
- I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I am consciously ‘choosing to be happy’ – but I know that I am ‘somewhat’ actively participating in my life today – even though I don’t want to.
I have learned that sometimes my greatest efforts, prayers, discipline and willpower are not enough to motivate change. Some days are just not easy. I have to be willing to make room for the comfortable and uncomfortable thoughts/emotions/reasons/circumstances etc that show up as well as seek to understand and overcome the powerful hidden motives that may contribute to my ambivalence about changing.
So, what do we do when our attempts to change fail, which they often do? Do we just give up? Do we try harder (try try try again, if at first you don’t succeed, try try try again); only to possibly to fail again? Ultimately, how does this help nurture our self-esteem, motivation and sense of worth? Our intentions matter. My intentions today matter! I have every intention of doing better; being better; and growing – so on days like today, I will purposely put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward even with the blahness– do not get me wrong, I am a work in progress.
So here is to the difficult/challenging/un-motivating days! May they be fewer. May we all learn to celebrate the small achievements!